Lessons learnt in 2009

1. Motherhood changes everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!
2. Having a baby is as frustrating as it is pleasurable, and I can't decide which is more!
3. You may love someone with all your heart, but it takes only one moment / incident to change everything
4.A relationship is a constant process of taking initiatives
5. Its best to let go when whatever you do goes unnoticed and unappreciated, and you need to explain your actions
6. Your job is only a part of your life, and not life in whole
7. Some things and some people are just not worth it!
8.Never let your professional life affect your personal, NEVER mix the two!
9.Time is not the best healer, your mind is.
10. Life is beautiful and worth enjoying irrespective of how deeply you are hurt!

Word power!

I logged on to FB to see that V had poked me!

hmm.. lemme poke him back.... who does he think he is, poking me!!!!!!..... no wait, lemme see what he has been upto lately

so I went to his home page to check out his recent activities.

V has commented on T's post, it said! Now this T had visited India recently (his 1st visit), and had come home for dinner, so I was curious to read his post. It was a very detailed account of his India trip, Udaipur and also on his evening with us... I GOT to read this...

somewhere in his post.. T had written.... "At one point I commented to him about how beautiful his wife was and, in reply, he sniggered. I said, amused, “V, that’s not an appropriate response. You should say, ‘Yes, isn’t she a princess?’” and he sniggered some more and said that he thought I was joking or being polite!"

V actually thinks someone is joking when they tell him his wife is pretty???????????? He's had it!!!!!! I will kill him!!!

Then I scrolled down to read V's comment
"Hey T, ofcourse I think my wife is very beautiful, just that I find it amusing when anyone make comments such as 'your wife is beautiful' since I have never met anyone who would tell someone 'your wife is ugly' :-)"

WOW man, what a way to say that you find your wife pretty!!!! Anyways, I chose to ignore the rest of it, and focus only on the 1st sentence.

I called him and as usual he didn't answer. He called back after 30 min!

V: Haan bolo. You called?
Me: Muah
V: What? Now what did you break?
Me: (ignoring) So you think your wife is beautiful, huh?
V: When did I say that?
Me: I read it....
V: Ooooooo that!!! haan... OK
Me: (Ignoring again) So you think so?
V: What difference does it make?
Me: Arrre if you think so, why can't you say so to me
V: Isme bolne ko kya hai. I thought you knew you are pretty.
Me: OK I know, but I will like it if you tell me
V: Why should I tell you something that you already know?
Me: Arrrrgghhhhh,... forget it, I am sorry I called
V: No, you didn't. I called to ask you why you called...
Me: Get lost!
V: Now what did I say.. See, I told you, you are always fighting with me for no reason!!!!!!


And I banged the phone down...

killing time!

Sitting in client's office, waiting for a meeting to happen, can't leave.. getting bored, mind fucked... killing time..

and since I don't know how to use twitter, I am here putting this up as a status update!!!!

Thought of the Day

Sometimes it is best to accept the present and look forward to the future instead of clinging to the past and trying to change things.

No, this hasnt dawned upon me now.. I have known this for long! But easier said than done.

Time Machine

I was in Dubai recently. Had gone after 1 year. Someone (do not wish to name), said.. Shit MJ.. you have aged so much in one year! I smiled and said, "Time changes a lot many things".

That night I looked at myself in the mirror, something that I do every morning... but that night I saw myself... after a long time..

And I asked myself, "What's wrong with you?"

Mridula said, 'what? what's wrong? It's all cool'
"Cut the crap" said MJ
Mridula: 'No serious. Why do you ask?'
MJ: Coz I look at myself everyday and it doesnt bother me. But, today I look at you, and you seem to have aged 10 years. You are not the same anymore
Mridula: 'Ah, so you noticed!!!!!'
MJ: 'Tell me.. what happened'
Mridula: 'Time, my love.. time... time changes, circumstances change...things change....people change. So how can I be the same'

There wasn't anything left to discuss. It was the Mridula like never before.. tired, beaten, stressed, angry. And MJ had done a good job in camouflaging her.

But I am glad to know that Mridula is still alive.. even if time has gotten her... at least she still survives!!!

I only hope that someday Mridula will stand up for herself and not let MJ take over!

If only a time machine existed, life would be different!

let's get filthy!

Ever wondered why they say-filthy rich or stinking rich?
I mean what's so filthy or dirty about being rich or having some extra money?

No this post isn't personal and I do not fall in that category, but I have nothing against those who do. In fact I kind of like them if they have reached the 'filthy' position on their own

I hope to someday be there. Someone once told me, 'you know you are rich when you don't look at the price tag'. How true! I always look at the price tags whenever I buy anything. And whether or not I like something is always a function of how much that thing costs and if it fits in the 'value for money' frame in my mind. Can I ever buy anything without thinking of its price? I don't know. Never had that much money! Even if I did, could I break free of my middle class mentality, only time will tell.

If I had the money, would I be happy? Can money bring me happiness, that's a debate I do not wish to enter. How much is too much, I will get to it when I have the money.

For now I just wish to be 'filthy' rich! And I am willing to stink!!!!

Good to be back

It's good to be back to normal life

It's good to be back to work scene in middle of all of the action; to be back to Dubai; for reasons more than I can put in words or can accept on a public forum

It's good to be out of the self imposed exile

It's good to be back to the blogger!!!!

Muah! Muah to life!! Muah to me!!!

lost and found

I used to have a pen. Not an ordinary pen. A Cross pen. So what's extraordinary about it, you ask!
Well, this pen was not any other pen coz it was close to heart. (do you have a heart? You r free to ask, but I will leave that for some other time).
So this pen was close to heart, and I mean every word, with special emphasis on 'close'. It was a gift, a very precious gift. By someone very special. And more, if there is any word to describe it.

And one day, this prized possession disappeard. Just like that. Vanished from my desk. I was spaced out for many days. Mentally kicking myself every minute of every day for having lost it. How could I just allow someone to walk in and take away something that I myself used with extra care, always fearing to spoil it,(ever imagined someone not using a pen!!! that's how special it was).
It was not losing the pen, it was about losing the feeling attached with it which freaked me.

After a mourning period befitting the status of the pen, I tried to get over it. Life goes on I told myself. And it took me more than 6 months to move this shock to the back of my mind. I still hadn't forgotten it, mind you.

And then one fine day, yesterday, I walked to my work station. And something shiney caught my eye.I approached it with caution. Nothing is to be trusted when you have been away from office for 6 months, and your status has already changed from don to visitor! I picked it up, and my heart missed a beat! It was a pen, my pen, 'the' pen!! I picked it up delicately, like a surgeon would pick up an organ, only that his hands won't tremble like mine!! I examined it thoroughly - it was indeed my pen, the scratch that I had accidently put, giving away its identity and removing any doubts that I may have had.

Someone could have left it there by mistake. But this was no accident, it had been very carefully planted on my desk, such that I couldn't have missed it. And someone would have known that I was in office on that day (given that I go to office only once a month or so). Whatever it was, accidental or incidental, I have that special pen back.

And I am wondering, why did it have to come back now? When I was progressing nicely on the get-on-with-it path.

But I am happy to have it back, and I know I m happy coz a smile crosses my face unknowingly when I see it everytime.

The Thin line

There is an extremely thin line between confidence and attitide.....
And there is an extremely thin line between killing attitude and killing confidence..

And I am afraid I may have overstepped both. While I do not care about the former, I deeply regret doing the latter. I did not do it knowingly, but no excuse can absolve me of the crime.

I am sorry for what I may have done unknowingly and unwillingly. I really really never meant to do it and I hope that you know it.

Sometimes

Sometimes, a perfume is a gift for life....
and sometimes, the gift of life is as volatile as a perfume!

Enough

Enough of self pity
Enough of hiding
Enough of running away
Enough of pain
Enough of being hurt................

Time for mrids to go away, time for MJ to take over..... time to kick some serious arse!!!!!

some times, some relationships....

Was speaking with an old old friend... he complained of my disappearing act, and that I haven't been in touch. I told him that I knew... he asked me why I was running away and from what... and I told him that I don't know why; why am I running away; why have I failed to be the rock, why haven't I decided to face it, why for once have I not been able to handle it.. why have I been so vulnerable.

I don't know why, but I do know that I need time. There is nothing that I can't handle, and this should be no exception. This isn't arrogance, this is confidence.

But then I told him something that I truly believe in... I told him that some relationships do not need us to talk or meet regularly.. we could talk after 10 years and start from where we left.. it is a privilege that we share that sort of a relationship. It is indeed a pleasure to know that I have friends like that.

Friends who don't judge me; friends who love me irrespective; friends who love me for what I am and not for what I do; friends who never say "shit, how could u do this"; friends who always say, "it's OK babes, its all good, it will be fine".
I hope it will be fine. I miss my friends. I miss a very important part of my life.

some truths are never to be told; some people never to let go; some mistakes never to be corrected; some memories never to be faded; some times never to be forgotten; some wounds never to be healed.

Man and Dog

I feel very bad whenever someone says All men are dogs... This is so not true... I feel really sad.. for the dogs... I love dogs.. and I truely believe that they cannot be compared to men

1. YOU get a dog home; a dog never takes you home
2. Even if the dog has been living with you for ages, he always appreciates that it is YOUR home
3. A dog is ALWAYS happy to see you whenever you reach home, irrespective of the time
4. You NEVER have to explain to a dog, anything; and he never questions you
5. A dog ALWAYS thanks you for the food you make for him, irrespective of the taste
6. A dog NEVER comes with his mother
7. You can have TWO dogs at the same time
8. A dog will NEVER dump you; they are known to be loyal
9. A dog will ALWAYS love you more than you can love him


well.. I am sure there are many more reasons.. feel free to add.

Thought of the day

*flicked from archita's gtalk tag and modified to my liking*

Let us not complicate our emotions by trying to find reasons behind them

2 months of motherhood

Dimpy is exactly 2 months (and one day) old. We had a small pastry cutting celebration last night.

I love her, of course I do.. she is my daughter and is junior MJ :) and I like to believe that she looks exactly like me (though some people tend to disagree)..
It is amazing to see how humans have preferences starting the day they are born.

Dimpy has an attitude and it is so bloddy obvious from her face.. it scares me..but then didn't we expect it!!! Her mother has an attitude of her own and so does her father.. God save me, when she is in her teens!!!!!

Love is not about the happy times spent together, it's the tough times that define it. Guess that's what differentiates it from fun!

It's amazing how people change and so do priorities.

Now I realize that I should have loved my mother more than my father.

Why do women always have to give more in the bargain?

This post is random without any chain of thoughts, and so is my mind right now.

Pain, hurt, anger, disgust, regret, betrayal, anxiety, nervousness, insecurity, loneliness....

Then I look at dimpy...love, relief, responsibility, forgiveness...

Need me-time to sort the mess in my head.

Motherly thought

Dimpy smiles a lot, in her sleep (touchwood). And she takes her smile from me, tilted towards the right side!!

When I look at her smile, I don't know if I should love her father for giving her or I should love me for creating her.

Then I win hands down!!! :)

A toast to my husband

Finally we have Dimpy in our lives. Our princess arrived last sunday - on 12th April 2009. Suddenly she is the pivot of our world; I guess it's the same with all parents :)

Now that I am done with my pregnancy and am holding my bundle of joy, I have some time at hand, in between her naps and diapers (Dimpy doesn't give me a lot of time, but still any amount of me-time is always important)

I hereby wish to publicly raise a toast to my husband. I owe it to him for having put up with my tantrums and mood swings for the past 9 months.

Looking back, I do realize that I have been a pain in the arse; being the perfectionist that I am, the pregenancy hormones just made it worse! (not that I am any better human being now, I was, still am, and will always remain a certified bitch)

- When I was trying to cope with my own mood swings, he smiled through them all with no complaints
- When I was busy screaming about my weight gain, he was there telling me that I look cute (in his own not-so-romantic way)
- When I was spending long hours at work, he was at home every evening, trying to make it special for me
- When everyone thought I was being nasty and bitchy, he was busy reading pregnancy books to identify why I behave the way I do
- When I insisted that I cannot take a day off at work, he took time off to drop me at work coz I was too pregnant to drive
- When it was embarrasing to go out for a coffee with me, given the way I looked, he held my hand and was proud to be seen with me
- When I felt like shouting for no reason, he always listened
- When I criticized him, he only told me to be calm and tried harder to keep me happy
- When in rage I told him I don't love him at all, he just smiled and said he was sure I will come back to him always

He was right, as always. No matter what, I will go back to him. He is the only one who has stood by me when I have been the most lonely soul on earth.

He has stood by me at all times, the worst ones being the most important. He was there when I was heart broken, he was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He has been a true friend indeed - for 9 years now. And I am happy that I married my best friend.

Unconditional?

I took the "How much can you love" test on Facebook! (OK OK.. I know.. what a loser.. but at 1:00 AM when I can't sleep at all.. need something to kill time, you see!)

You are an "unconditional lover" it said!
Unconditional, huh? What's that? Am I really an unconditional lover? Or is it something I would want to be? Is it something I believe I am?

It would have been more appropriate if they said, I am an obsessive lover. I could relate to THAT!
I don't know if I can love someone unconditionally, but I do know that I love someone obsessively. That's just the way I am.. I live life on the extreme. There is no mid-way for me, not for love.. not for life.
And you don't have to love me back if I love you... I will continue to love you the same as long as I will..

Having said that, it does not mean that I don't compromise.. I do when and where it's needed.. (I guess that's what they call mellowing down with age and responsibility)

But deep in my heart, I still am obsessive!

flicked from Aanchal's gtalk tagline

Life is short, break rules, forgive quickly, kiss passionately, love truly, laugh constantly. And never stop smiling no matter how strange life is..

Reciprocal love

Someone once told me – “In any relationship, both persons never love the same”.
I may not have believed it then, but I believe it now. One of them always loves more than the other.

That’s just how it is. Maybe, it can’t be generalized. But it holds true for me, and maybe it also holds true for that someone who told me this in the 1st place.

Love is never reciprocated in the same intensity. I don’t even know how you measure love so don’t know if the above statement can be validated or quantified.

Scenario:
-----------
You wait everyday for a phone call. Then you swallow your pride (careful choice of words – pride, not ego, mind it!), and reach out. You have a brief conversation, and then there's “I will call you later tonight”. You wait for tonight. No call. You wait for tomorrow. No call.
This continues for weeks, and then months. The mental grief it gives you is beyond words.

And then one fine day, you give up and don’t call or reach out. You just drop it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And suddenly you come to terms with yourself and with everything else. Does that mean you have stopped loving? No. Not necessarily.

But you have certainly stopped expecting, and it doesn’t change anything in anyone’s life. Nothing at all – Only yours. . Once you come to terms with reality, it puts you at ease. Complete peace.

No expectations. No one owes you anything. Maybe an explanation – maybe not even that. Because it doesn’t matter anymore.

P.S. Just when I was posting this, I read – “The brightest future will always be based on forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life, until you let go of past failures and heart aches”
Bang on! How true. As if my mind has been just read! Only – when do you know it’s past? When do you know that thin line between past and present has been crossed over?

Journey to Motherhood

In less than 15 days I am expecting my 1st (and for now the only) baby.

It’s been quite an exciting journey till now:
from “f%^#-I-m-pregnant” 1st month,
to “Oh-baby-we’re-gonna-have-a-baby” 2nd month
to “what-will-we-call-the-baby” 4th month
to “oops-I-forgot-I-m-pregnant” 6th month
to “OMG-when-will-this-get-over” 9th month!

Actually I haven’t quite “felt” the pregnancy (if you know what I mean) coz I was working regular (read inhuman!) hours until the beginning of 9th month. And I am still working from home while my parents are losing sleep worrying that I can deliver anytime!!!!! (Though I am not sure if my baby is in a hurry to meet her mum, knowing how much time her mum has given her while she was inside).

But working from home gives me much more time at hand to think and plan for my baby. Tasks, much needed for the baby, which I have finally managed to accomplish, though late in the day:

1. Zero down on a name!!!! That’s an achievement I tell you.
2. Be regular with my eating habits
3. Have my medicines on time
4. Exercise a little, go for walks.
5. Relax myself, and tell myself repeatedly that everything else can wait
6. Be regular with my doctor’s appointments
7. Drop everything else and go for my medical tests
8. Have a foot massage as often as I want / need
9. Sleep when and as often as I want to; given that I can’t sleep at nights due to the weight of the baby, a 30 min afternoon nap is a god-sent!
10. Keep myself off the fire-fighting at work, unless it’s really a fire

I love this time, but as I said – the wait is so boring and frustrating, I am desperate to meet the baby now!

P.S: Was speaking with my husband today and was briefing him on my doctor’s appointment; told him that the doc has asked me to monitor the baby’s movements every two hours now. “I don’t have a life, I tell you”, I said. “You were not supposed to have an independent life, since the day you conceived our baby. I am glad you finally realized it”, pat came the reply!

I am off!

I go off work from 15th March… at least for some time… say 3 – 4 months or maybe even 6.

I am so looking forward to the break. This is the 1st time in God knows how many years that I will be taking a break from hectic, senseless, mindless, 9am-11pm routine in life. There is so much I need to do .. wake up at 1030 am (if I get to sleep at night that is!), just lying around in the bed.. have a bath at 1:00 pm.. late lunches.. lazy afternoons, evening movies, books.. blah blah blah..

On the other hand, long breaks scare me. Being the workaholic that I am, I am not sure how I will cope up with just sitting at home and not attending office at all! Haven’t done it before.. 7-10 days between jobs is fine.. but months seem just too long.
Also, what awaits me during the break (and for a lifetime after that) is more time-consuming, hectic and stressful. I may not have any time for my plans at all! Who knows!

But I am sure that it won’t be senseless. Even if it’s stressful, I look forward to the stress. I may not get any sleep, but I look forward to the sleepless nights….
I look forward to one tiny creature calling me mummy.

They said, "if a man calls you everyday, he loves you"....

Does that also mean, that if he isn't calling me, he doesn't me love me anymore?

Jelly Belly!

The title of the post is my current state. My belly has been moving like a jelly pudding for quite some time now, and it seems to have a mind of its own. It decides to shake at its own will and pace, more so when I am in the middle of something important. I guess this is coz the little one inside the belly has developed a mind of its own now!
And it’s a weird feeling – while it is annoying to have your stomach move up and down without your control (and it hurts as well at time), it is also cute to stare at it doing its own thing!

This is the 1st time I am writing about the baby. I wonder why I haven’t written about him/her for so long – I have had him (her) for 7 months now!!! Thinking about it (though a little too late), I am at the tail end of my pregnancy and I haven’t had any time to enjoy it or think about it or day dream about how my baby would be, or what I would do when it arrives.
All I have been doing all this while is work, work and some more work and somewhere I have lost what people claim to be “the best time of your life”

And its no one’s fault but mine. Probably, I take my work too seriously… so seriously that others take it for granted. But then its not just work, I take life too seriously I guess.. Never a good thing.

Why am I thinking about it now? Coz, I have been enlightened over the weekend.
It was the valentine weekend and we had a deliverable to meet (extended deadline, after having missed 2 already). And while I was busy fretting and frowning and trying to calm an irate client, I realized that my team was busy celebrating the V-day with no access to emails!!! WOW!!!!
Whatever happened to the good old days when bosses would delegate the work and carry on with their lives, while the team would feel it’s their responsibility to deliver???
The problem is that I am not the "delegate-and-forget", but my boss is!!!! Quite a situation isn’t it?

In spite of my reputation as a task master, I still haven’t asked anyone in my team to put down their papers.. my bad.. I have tried to always give the non-performers enough time to improve and show results… But it's time for heads to roll, I guess!!! I need to put my foot down at some time – and this is the time!

If I have to slog my arse out, might as well save costs!

Having a bad day!

I am having a really bad day. I mean REALLY BAD day. BAD in font size 72, bold, underlined!!!!!!

Happy New Year!

Wishing myself and everyone else a very happy, prosperous and brilliant 2009!!!
May this year bring the best of everything for us and the best of us for everything!!!

A few things I need to do this year, and I intend to stick to these:

1. Practise Yoga, to keep my cool
2. Wake up with a smile EVERY morning
3. Be happy, IRRESPECTIVE!!
4. Lose all the maternity weight that I gained and some more (of course after April!
5. Take some time off from work, for myself and my baby
6. Find a balance between professionalism and motherhood
7. Buy myself a bigger house
8. Learn to love
9. BE loved
10.Scream less!!!!!!