Me, Myself and MJS

I have been meaning to write this for a long time, but could never get enough time (at one siting) to put my thoughts together and make a decent note – something that makes some sense while reading (Strange as I am, I have to go over everything that I write over and over (and over) again... and have a few (understatement) modifications every time I read it, which is why I never get to the completion of anything that I start). Why I decided to go through this piece, one last time, and post it finally, is also interesting. I happen to work in a (very) small office. We are a total of 3 people and my best guess is that this is the average size of the 'US sales offices' of mid-size Indian companies. So today, 2/3 of our office strength (or weakness) is out for a meeting, leaving me alone. And as the wise men say, “you are your true self when no one is watching you”. Bingo!! THIS is my true self. I will do anything to shy away from work (when anyone – especially boss – isn't watching). What better way to kill time, than to put down your thoughts in a controlled and streamlined fashion!!!!

A few days (weeks/months) back, I was being interviewed for a job. And the HR Guy asked me the cliched question - “What word describes you best”. Now, I have faced that question umpteen number of times and I know what I have to say, to get myself the job (so maybe “manipulative” is the word!!) But this time, for a change, I wanted to be honest, and thought “Lemme see what I think of myself” (maybe “stupid” is the word!!). And to my surprise, I was at a loss of words. So I said, “Maybe I could tell you what others think of me”. And I, somehow, managed to salvage the conversation.

That night, I sat (with myself) and pondered over the question. Do I really know what word describes the true me? Or is it the word, that is the closest/best match, that matters? Does there exist a word that can describe a human being? Or is that a silly question? I mean, do you honestly expect me to sum up 28 years of my life in ONE word!!!!! You got to be kidding me!!

Silly or not, the question did give me enough food for thought to keep me busy for the rest of this week (and maybe next).

When I was a kid, my parents described me in one word - “adorable” ; When I was a teenager, my Mom thought I was a “pain in the A%^&” ; When I went to college, classmates (in general) thought I was “pricey”, a few thought I had “attitude” (I am still struggling to figure out what that word means – any help is welcome) ; my boyfriend thought I was “dominating” ; my relatives said I was “selfish” and that I didn't care about anyone else but myself, when I announced that I would go ahead and marry him against my family's wishes ; my husband thought I was “ambitious” when I decided to take up a job in another city because it was a good career move ; my friends thought I was “greedy” when I wanted to move to US, alone (my husband is in India) and my colleagues (still) think that I am “aggressive”.

So, I realized that there was nothing I thought about myself – I always heard (and believed) what others thought of me.

In those twenty (long) seconds, that I took to think during the conversation, I wanted to tell him - “You want to know what I think I am?.. I think I am insane. I think I am confused. I think I have no clue of what I want from life. I think I am a hypocrite (like all others) coz I talk about how the Indian youth needs to awaken, to change the fate of the country, and here I am talking to you about a US based job.. If you offer it to me (please do), I will jump at the thought and promptly turn my back to my country. I am too old to be the 'youth', I tell myself. Bullshit!!. I am a supporter of Bhagat Singh (as opposed to Gandhi), but I shit in my pants when my husband picks up a fight with someone, to support the right cause. I don't want anything to happen to him, I tell myself. Bullshit!! What about the wives of all those people in the defense services, that I secretly admire? Don't they love their husbands or do I love my husband any more? I tell everyone (especially myself) that I am strong, and then I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my lungs out, when I am upset. I am a bloody hypocrite. That's what I am. Still wanna make an offer, dude??!!!”. But that wouldn't have made sense – not to me, not to him, not to anybody. So I didn't say anything at all, coz I wanted the job.

I had seen a movie once – The first daughter – in which she says, “We all live Pinocchios, right?”. Couldn't agree more, ma'am. We all do.. some admit it and some don't. And life becomes easier once you have accepted it to yourself.

RS said to me last week – “Your page doesn't do justice to your personality”. And I told her, “Didn't I ever tell you that I have more than one personalities?”. I bet she freaked out. Anybody would. I did – when it first dawned on me. I have come to believe that I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder, though it's not as severe and spooky as portrayed in some of the movies that I have seen. It does not disrupt my life (or of those related to me) in any manner. Maybe MPD is not the right word to use, it has a negative connotation to it, but I shall use it for the lack of a better word. And trust me, there is nothing positive about always talking to yourself and having 3 opinions about everything under the sun.

There is one ME, who is like any other girl next door. She wants to be nice to everyone and is eager to please anybody she meets. She wants to be a good daughter (in-law), a good wife, a good friend and a good human being. She trusts everybody and wants everybody to like her. She believes that marriage is sacred. She wants to love her husband like there were no one else in her world. She wants to cook for him, iron his shirt and dance with it when no one is looking, do all that will please him and make him love her more. She wants to take pride in the achievements of her husband and is content to be known as Mrs X. She wants to have children (lots of them) and raise them up like a good mother. She wants to have lots of pets. She wants to make a difference to her home, society and the world. She wants to be a teacher. She dreams of running an orphanage some day and she would be happy to watch all those children grow up to be responsible citizens of India.

There is the second MYSELF, who is nothing short of a “bitch”, as many would like to put it. She believes in an individualistic society. Every man to his own. We all make / break our own destiny and that we get what we rightfully deserve. It might be difficult to see it in the present tense, but hindsight is always 20/20. She strongly believes that all relationships should be mutually fulfilling and beneficial, and that you should have the right to walk out of any relationship when you want to. She opines that marriage is nothing but a legal formality. There is nothing in the world that should be binding on you; YOU are the one who lives your life and so you have the absolute say on the way you run it. While she loves her husband (which is why she is still in the relationship), she finds it hard to believe that in a world full of tens of billions of people, there are so few she can relate to; and only one man to fall in love with. She can think on her feet and lie through her teeth. Career is important to her and every achievement, however small, gives her a kick. Money surely matters and she wants to have enough of it to be able to spare some change to rebuild Mumbai roads, if the government doesn't care a shit. There is only one religion she truly believes in and abides by – happiness. She derives satisfaction and happiness in various things, big and small – theater, backpacking, bungee jumping, hand-gliding, blah blah blah.. at times its a 250$ shopping spree that it takes, to bring a smile to her face.. But it could also be a 20 cents cigarette which has the same effect... She is complex.. She is difficult .. She is impossible... Her desires are endless and insatiable.. and she does not know where to begin or where to end..

And then there is this third MJS – torn apart between ME and MYSELF – spending most of her time and energy justifying one of the two, in some situation or the other. She is struggling to maintain a balance between what she wants and what she can. She is trying desperately to please those who care, while keeping herself happy. She has no opinion of her own and is trying to figure out a moderate path between the two extremes of her life.. In the process, she has screwed up everything ... she has lost track of who she is.. she is confused, insane and a hypocrite. Thats the true me.