It has been a pleasant day today, after a week of terrible and intolerable heat. It's surprising how the smallest things in life can cheer you up so much. Just last night I was in such an irritable mood (I didn't even remember why, when I woke up this morning). But I have been happy today, for no reason at all (blame it on the weather). It's an unusual and the most unlikely day to be happy though, for 2 reasons

(1) My clothes have been stolen from the laundry room!!! Yeah, you heard it right!!!
(2) I have five cents in my pocket, and that's ALL that I have. So in effect, I am broke for now.

I have more clothes than I can count or handle (not my fault!; it's all because of the sale season which never seems to end!!), but I love each one of them. I treat them like my babies. So, today being a Sunday, I decided to give a few of them a hot water bath. I put them in the dryer so that they don't catch a cold after their refreshing bath. After about 45 min (that's how long they take to dry) when I went to pick them up, I realized that some of them are missing. Now, this is strange.. I swear I had left them there.. I looked all around, but no trace of them... I did not know whether to cry at the loss or laugh at the person who took the pains to steal someone's worn clothes!!!! What kind of a sicko would do such a thing? And if you are stealing, you can't be a chooser!! You cant choose to take the ones that you like (and surprisingly my favorites as well) and leave the others behind. They feel neglected and unwanted! You just can't do it. You should be an equal opportunity thief, woman! ( I am assuming it will be a woman, coz I do not like the idea of a guy stealing a girl's clothes).

I spent 2 full hours debating if I should brood over the gone clothes or just let it be. Then I decided to just pray that whoever has taken them, takes good care and that they are happy in their new found home. This situation calls for a cigarette, so I looked for one, only to find that there aren't any left in the pack. Time for some shopping!!!! So I went to the store and asked for a pack.
“$4”, she told me. I promptly took out my card and gave it to her. She looked at me and with a finger, pointed right behind me. I was confused – what is she trying to do?? Show me the finger?? Nonetheless, I looked in the direction of that 'stiff' finger. “Cards accepted only for purchase more than $5”. The first thought that crossed my mind was, “that's wrong English, dude!”. But I decided to let it pass. Aware of the fact that I only have 5 cents, I told her to make it 2 packs, and paid using the card. Thank Lord for the plastic world!!

They say, you miss a thing most after you have lost it. Yeah, I am missing 'money' – really, not kidding. On the way back, I thought all the times when I could have controlled myself and NOT been so generous. (No, I am not talking about my shopping sprees, they are all essential). I thought of this Sunday a few weeks ago, when a school boy rung my door bell, and told me how he was working part time to pay for his school. I promptly gave him a $20 bill.... then there was this another time when just outside the Albertsons, I was approached by a girl who told me how she was lost and her bag was stolen and she had no money. I promptly have her a $20 bill. All my frens gave me a disgusted look and told me how I was out of my mind... Yeah I know, maybe it was a stupid thing to do.... but I look at it this way.. if she was lying and I gave her the money.. not that bad.. all I lost was 20 bucks.. but if she was telling the truth and I didn't give her money... too bad, she would have lost faith! That's gonna be bad. So I always settle for the seemingly better option. What say, pals?

Whatever, but I do miss those 40 bucks today.. I really do..And I am thinking... what if I stand outside Albertsons and ask for some money??? Would anyone give me anything?? I doubt it!!!!!

I want

“Bheegi bheegi raate, bheegi bheegi yaaden , bheegi bheegi baate, aakho mein kaisi nami hai..
Sapno ka saya, palko pe aaya, pal mein hasaya, pal mein rulaya, jeevan mein kaisi kami hai..
Na jaane koi...Kaisi hai ye zindgani... humari adhoori kahani.....”
While the song plays in the background, I have something in my mind.. something that has been there .. something which is testing my (self-proclaimed) strength, patience and tolerance...

Have you ever, at some point in your life, had a nagging thought in your head?..the one that you cannot put a finger on... the one you so desperately want to run away from.. trying everything in your capacity to get it out of your head.. but it is always there at the back of your mind.. you know it's somewhere there.. and you dread it... and you still don't know what it is..... or maybe you do.. but just don't want to accept it!!!! Have you ever felt that acute sense of helplessness?

YOU out of all the people should know what I am feeling. You should know coz you are supposed to.. isn't that why we came together in the first place – because you understood me?? Because u knew exactly how I felt? Because we could relate to each other so well???

I want to change something... around me.. involving me.. I want to make things better..

I want to change a lot of things.. a lot of things between us... I want to change everything that wasn't supposed to be like this.. everything that isn't like we want it to be..

I want to go back in time.. I want to go back to the times we spent with each other... when we felt like kids sneaking out for a movie, yet we loved doing it.

I want to go back to the coffee shop where we spent hours just talking.. talking about you and me.. talking about irrelevant things... things that didn't matter at all.. yet they were so important.. coz we were together.. When I didn't have to say anything coz you knew it even before I had said it.. when we laughed at the craziest jokes.. when we danced to no music at all..

I want to go the beach..when I wanted to drag you in the water.. and you would just refuse to get your feet wet.. and BTW between the two of us, you are the one who knows how to swim..

I want to go back to the room where you hugged me and told me that everything will be fine.. and strangely everything seemed to fall in place.. even if it was only for that one moment.. that one precious moment... When we were there for each other .. when we had no expectations from US.. you were YOU and I was I..

I want to go back to the times we spent with each other - just you and me.
I want to go back....

What if......

This thought stems from a discussion, with RS, about my previous post. After the (brief) discussion, I went back and read what I had put down. When you read your own thoughts at a later date, it gives you an eerie feeling – at least it gave me one – I thought of so many things.... maybe I could have put it in a better manner, or maybe I could put my thoughts more clearly, this doesn't quite convey what I feel...maybe I could have done this.. or that... it's exactly the “better” syndrome that I wrote about.

I wanted to add to my earlier thoughts (whom I am trying to justify to: is it RS? Is it H or is it just myself?). It's kinda funny how we spend all our lives justifying each action (or reaction) to ourselves and yet we are never convinced with what we do. Blame it on my MPD.

RS believes (hopelessly romantic that she is) that there exists “The One” for you and you 'just know' when you are with your soul-mate. I agree with you. I never said that there isn't a soul mate. All I am asking is this (hopelessly practical that I am), isn't there a possibility of this “The One” coming in your life in plural? I firmly believe that it's a real possibility. You meet someone, you fall in love (I have never figured out what LOVE really means, though. In My opinion it is just a mix of passion, compatibility and willingness to be with each other – but that's a different topic, so I will avoid it here), and you want to spend your life with him. You “just know” that he is “The One”. And you live happily ever after. Good for you.
BUT.....WHAT IF, you found your 'The One' and it didn't work out with him? Would you never feel the same again, for anyone else? Would you never think that there is someone who is your soul-mate? AND, if you could feel the same twice, then probably I am not so wrong in thinking that there are more than one “Mr. Right” for you, in this world.

I have believed that at any point in time, there exist more than one people, whom you could possibly fall in love with. So what is it, that determines whom you will spend your life with? Maybe, nothing else but time. Its only about the timing when you came across your 'The One'. But that does not deny the existence of another person, somewhere in this world, who could have been with you, if not for this one. SO – you will always come across someone better(or similiar), its just a matter of when you want to stop looking!

If life could run in parallel threads, one under each “use-case” (it is a pity that technology still cannot apply the concepts of multi-threading, to human lives!!!!!) and I could isolate myself from events and supervise the progress of my life in each thread, decision making would be a lot easier. Whether or not I could take the right decision then, I'll never know.

Life is simple... and it is complex.. its how to see it..

Life is like a cigarette.. the label 'Lights', 'Ultra Lights' or 'Mild' is not indicative of it's quality. Its just a feel-good factor. You want to believe that the milder you make it, the less harm it will do to you, but you know that its just the same. Once lit, it surely will burn out, faster than you think. You can either choose to just sit and look at it while it slowly burns out right under your nose; OR you can take deep breaths and enjoy all of it. The closer is it to the end, the harder it will hit you. So take timely puffs and enjoy it while it lasts.

How much is too much?

The day started with a friend asking for some advice. Now, I am no counselor, nor I am an expert on life (I have screwed up my own, many times!!), but just to make him feel better, I agreed to listen to him and help in any manner that I could. I had no clue how I could be of any real help to someone sitting ten thousand miles away. But that's the beauty of Internet – you can practically connect with the future in real-time. Here I am – on 13th July 2006 just starting the day – talking to someone who has already lived the 13th of July 2006 in his life.

He asked me the question that I am sure at least 10000 others are asking themselves day and night - “How do you know when to stop looking for something better?”. And I could clearly see that he had commitment issues. So I asked him to stop beating around the bush. We spoke about it at length and I tried my best to give him my perspective – an outside and unbiased view. But in the end, its you my friend, who has to take a decision; I can only give you my opinion on the matter.

I remember a story that I had once heard -

There was a man with a particularly long instrument – 25 inches. He consulted various doctors, but none helped. Finally he went to a witch doctor.
She told him - “Go to the jungle pond. There is a she-frog in there, call for her. Ask her if she will marry you. Every time she says NO, your instrument will reduce by 5 inches.”
He decided to try out the new remedy, rushed to the pond and called out for the frog. “Will you marry me?”, he asked her.
The frog was utterly confused and said, “No, Thank you.”
Viola! The instrument reduced by 5 inches!!!!!
“Will you marry me?”, he asked again.
“No, thank you.”, the frog replied.
The man was nearly jumping with excitement. This damn thing works!!!!
“Will you marry me?”, he asked again.
To this, the frog replied - “how many times do I have to tell you this, NO NO NO!”

Moral of the story – You should know when to stop.

Having said that, I want to mention that I personally do like people who are optimistic and are always looking for the better – they are the ones who bring about change in the world; But I also believe that there is a very thin line between optimism and stupidity. And I respect those who know when to draw the line. I still respect you, my friend, for your attitude and the fire in your belly.

I have always been of the opinion that Life is not about making the right decisions. It is about making timely decisions. You can fight anything but time; it runs out on you faster than you can think. And so I would rather make a decision and regret it, than not make a decision and regret. Look at this way – all the inventions have been bettered over a period of time, but if the inventors kept waiting for the better before they released the first version, nothing would have happened. We all would still be reading white papers and waiting to see anything in working condition.

Similarly in relationships – If I kept waiting for someone better to come by before I committed to anyone, I would wake up one morning to find that I have wasted 10 precious years of my life (the only one I got) and I would still be alone (and also very lonely). I am convinced that in a world full of billions of people, there have to be more than one who will match your frequency and will be the right match for you (or so you will think). You can either keep looking for the best (which will always be questionable if you are still waiting for someone better!!) or you can choose the one that seems to be the perfect match at that moment. It all depends on what you want to do – do you want to wait 10 years and then realize that maybe the ones you did let go, were the ones you always wanted; or you want to trust your gut feeling and go ahead to enjoy life with the one you think is right, at this very moment.

The one person I really really respect for this is RS. I look up to her for the way she controls her life and for how clear she is in what she wants. She makes her own decisions and lives by them. I am sure we all could learn a bit from her. I have learned a lot in the little time that I have known her.

Life is precious, my dear. Every moment of it will come only once – live it. Make your decisions carefully, but make them timely. There is no point in making a "right" decision when the context of it, has already become history and parameters of life have changed.

I have no answer to the complex question – How much is too much? - but all I can say is – it is never enough. The human desire is insatiable. Someone once mentioned to me that Life is a series of foothills. Only when you reach at the summit of one, do you see the next higher hill. But YOU got do decide when to draw the line, coz its your life after all.

To the one I love

“Mujhe mat roko, mujhe yaar ke ghar jaane do
Main hun parwana, mujhe shama pe mit jaane do;
Usko paana hi meri zindagi ka maksad hai
Gar wo milta hia mujhe mar ke, to mar jaane do;
Dil ki aakho ne meri, apna sanam dekha liya
Ab usi dar pe mere dam ko nikal jaane do”

- part of a song from the movie 'Gangster'.

I hear this song and wonder, why does a human being love another so deeply. It is an inexplicable and unreasonable feeling, yet it is so true. And I thought of someone.
He asked me once - "Why don't you sleep? Why are you always awake whenever I see you?". Funny question!! But that's so much like him - never taking anything seriously. I just smiled, didn't say a word. Not that I didn't have anything to say (trust me, I had so much to tell him), but coz I didn't want to tell him anything.. He wouldn't understand, ...men never do.
I have lost him now and life has to move on; but at that very moment, all I wanted to do was sing him a song:

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we’re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing"

Me, Myself and MJS

I have been meaning to write this for a long time, but could never get enough time (at one siting) to put my thoughts together and make a decent note – something that makes some sense while reading (Strange as I am, I have to go over everything that I write over and over (and over) again... and have a few (understatement) modifications every time I read it, which is why I never get to the completion of anything that I start). Why I decided to go through this piece, one last time, and post it finally, is also interesting. I happen to work in a (very) small office. We are a total of 3 people and my best guess is that this is the average size of the 'US sales offices' of mid-size Indian companies. So today, 2/3 of our office strength (or weakness) is out for a meeting, leaving me alone. And as the wise men say, “you are your true self when no one is watching you”. Bingo!! THIS is my true self. I will do anything to shy away from work (when anyone – especially boss – isn't watching). What better way to kill time, than to put down your thoughts in a controlled and streamlined fashion!!!!

A few days (weeks/months) back, I was being interviewed for a job. And the HR Guy asked me the cliched question - “What word describes you best”. Now, I have faced that question umpteen number of times and I know what I have to say, to get myself the job (so maybe “manipulative” is the word!!) But this time, for a change, I wanted to be honest, and thought “Lemme see what I think of myself” (maybe “stupid” is the word!!). And to my surprise, I was at a loss of words. So I said, “Maybe I could tell you what others think of me”. And I, somehow, managed to salvage the conversation.

That night, I sat (with myself) and pondered over the question. Do I really know what word describes the true me? Or is it the word, that is the closest/best match, that matters? Does there exist a word that can describe a human being? Or is that a silly question? I mean, do you honestly expect me to sum up 28 years of my life in ONE word!!!!! You got to be kidding me!!

Silly or not, the question did give me enough food for thought to keep me busy for the rest of this week (and maybe next).

When I was a kid, my parents described me in one word - “adorable” ; When I was a teenager, my Mom thought I was a “pain in the A%^&” ; When I went to college, classmates (in general) thought I was “pricey”, a few thought I had “attitude” (I am still struggling to figure out what that word means – any help is welcome) ; my boyfriend thought I was “dominating” ; my relatives said I was “selfish” and that I didn't care about anyone else but myself, when I announced that I would go ahead and marry him against my family's wishes ; my husband thought I was “ambitious” when I decided to take up a job in another city because it was a good career move ; my friends thought I was “greedy” when I wanted to move to US, alone (my husband is in India) and my colleagues (still) think that I am “aggressive”.

So, I realized that there was nothing I thought about myself – I always heard (and believed) what others thought of me.

In those twenty (long) seconds, that I took to think during the conversation, I wanted to tell him - “You want to know what I think I am?.. I think I am insane. I think I am confused. I think I have no clue of what I want from life. I think I am a hypocrite (like all others) coz I talk about how the Indian youth needs to awaken, to change the fate of the country, and here I am talking to you about a US based job.. If you offer it to me (please do), I will jump at the thought and promptly turn my back to my country. I am too old to be the 'youth', I tell myself. Bullshit!!. I am a supporter of Bhagat Singh (as opposed to Gandhi), but I shit in my pants when my husband picks up a fight with someone, to support the right cause. I don't want anything to happen to him, I tell myself. Bullshit!! What about the wives of all those people in the defense services, that I secretly admire? Don't they love their husbands or do I love my husband any more? I tell everyone (especially myself) that I am strong, and then I lock myself up in the bathroom and cry my lungs out, when I am upset. I am a bloody hypocrite. That's what I am. Still wanna make an offer, dude??!!!”. But that wouldn't have made sense – not to me, not to him, not to anybody. So I didn't say anything at all, coz I wanted the job.

I had seen a movie once – The first daughter – in which she says, “We all live Pinocchios, right?”. Couldn't agree more, ma'am. We all do.. some admit it and some don't. And life becomes easier once you have accepted it to yourself.

RS said to me last week – “Your page doesn't do justice to your personality”. And I told her, “Didn't I ever tell you that I have more than one personalities?”. I bet she freaked out. Anybody would. I did – when it first dawned on me. I have come to believe that I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder, though it's not as severe and spooky as portrayed in some of the movies that I have seen. It does not disrupt my life (or of those related to me) in any manner. Maybe MPD is not the right word to use, it has a negative connotation to it, but I shall use it for the lack of a better word. And trust me, there is nothing positive about always talking to yourself and having 3 opinions about everything under the sun.

There is one ME, who is like any other girl next door. She wants to be nice to everyone and is eager to please anybody she meets. She wants to be a good daughter (in-law), a good wife, a good friend and a good human being. She trusts everybody and wants everybody to like her. She believes that marriage is sacred. She wants to love her husband like there were no one else in her world. She wants to cook for him, iron his shirt and dance with it when no one is looking, do all that will please him and make him love her more. She wants to take pride in the achievements of her husband and is content to be known as Mrs X. She wants to have children (lots of them) and raise them up like a good mother. She wants to have lots of pets. She wants to make a difference to her home, society and the world. She wants to be a teacher. She dreams of running an orphanage some day and she would be happy to watch all those children grow up to be responsible citizens of India.

There is the second MYSELF, who is nothing short of a “bitch”, as many would like to put it. She believes in an individualistic society. Every man to his own. We all make / break our own destiny and that we get what we rightfully deserve. It might be difficult to see it in the present tense, but hindsight is always 20/20. She strongly believes that all relationships should be mutually fulfilling and beneficial, and that you should have the right to walk out of any relationship when you want to. She opines that marriage is nothing but a legal formality. There is nothing in the world that should be binding on you; YOU are the one who lives your life and so you have the absolute say on the way you run it. While she loves her husband (which is why she is still in the relationship), she finds it hard to believe that in a world full of tens of billions of people, there are so few she can relate to; and only one man to fall in love with. She can think on her feet and lie through her teeth. Career is important to her and every achievement, however small, gives her a kick. Money surely matters and she wants to have enough of it to be able to spare some change to rebuild Mumbai roads, if the government doesn't care a shit. There is only one religion she truly believes in and abides by – happiness. She derives satisfaction and happiness in various things, big and small – theater, backpacking, bungee jumping, hand-gliding, blah blah blah.. at times its a 250$ shopping spree that it takes, to bring a smile to her face.. But it could also be a 20 cents cigarette which has the same effect... She is complex.. She is difficult .. She is impossible... Her desires are endless and insatiable.. and she does not know where to begin or where to end..

And then there is this third MJS – torn apart between ME and MYSELF – spending most of her time and energy justifying one of the two, in some situation or the other. She is struggling to maintain a balance between what she wants and what she can. She is trying desperately to please those who care, while keeping herself happy. She has no opinion of her own and is trying to figure out a moderate path between the two extremes of her life.. In the process, she has screwed up everything ... she has lost track of who she is.. she is confused, insane and a hypocrite. Thats the true me.

Right or Wrong?

I have absolutely no recollection of how I got into a discussion with someone about ethics. (I guess a couple of drinks would do that to anyone, and more so to the likes of me who have believed that they were born to question everything under the sun). I am the last person on the planet who can talk about 'moralities'!! But there I was, sitting with 'someone' (henceforth referred to as S.O.) with a drink in one hand and smoke in another, talking about 'morality'.

To give a little background about me:
Now, the family I come from, clearly lays down its' rules – smoking is WRONG. Drinking (alcohol) is a SIN that they choose not to talk about, which is why I guess, it's not mentioned in the rule book. The verb 'smoking' refers to a cigarette, coz a joint is something they believe exists only in the Mafia world. This rule book is given to the guys when they are in their teens. I have 2 theories as to why the girls of the family are spared this sacred book:

(1) They think that the girls are intelligent enough to know that smoking and alcohol are injurious to health
(2) With a girl like me born into the family, they believe that it is easier for boys to live by the rules

Those who know me would vouch for (2). Those who know my parents would vouch for (1). And those who know both, would be as confused as I am.
Whatever the reason, my (convenient) interpretation of it is – because I did not inherit the rule book, I am free to make my own rules.

That said, I wish to state that I enjoy a great relationship with my parents. They have either given up on me or they have accepted that the blame of getting me into this world, lies with them in all totality.

Back to the original story,
So, I was sitting with S.O. talking about the rights and wrongs

S.O. : There are things that are right and there are things that are wrong
ME : There is nothing absolute.. right or wrong is always relative.
S.O. : OK, like?
ME : Like if my daughter, hypothetically, got raped, and I killed the guy.. would that be wrong?
S.O. : No that would not be wrong.. he would deserve it..
ME : But don't you always say that killing is wrong? Besides, the guy's family would certainly think that it was wrong on my part to have brutally murdered him!!!!!! So what I perceive as right, someone else would perceive as wrong.
S.O. : This is an extreme case but in a normal day to day life, rights and wrongs need to be defined.
ME : But what is right for me could be wrong for you. You don't drink or smoke, I do.. you think its wrong, I don't. You married the 1st girl you dated, I married the 3rd guy I was romantically involved with, discounting the ones I dated without any romantic interest.
S.O. : Lets not talk about you here, you are from another planet. We are talking about normal human beings living within the boundaries of our (Indian) society
ME : OK. So lets talk about society. What do you think is society?
S.O. : The people around you constitute the society. There are rules which have been laid down and you are expected to behave like a responsible citizen by living up to them.
ME : Hmmm... OK. So you mean that guy walking down the road also constitutes the society?
S.O. : Ya you can say so...
ME : But he does not know who I am, does not care if I got anything to eat today, would not pay for my medical bills if I were to be hospitalized, and would not blink an eye if I died right now. And you are saying that he cares about what I DO??? And that I should give him a right to run my life??? Bullshit...
S.O. : Aaarrrgh.. Forget it .. There is no point talking to you .. you are impossible..

And the conversation, that I thought was enjoyable, met with an abrupt end.. Notice that, S.O.? .....What I thought was enjoyable, you thought was annoying!!!!! It's all about perspectives in life.

So after the session, I gave a serious thought to the whole thing. Are their any absolute rights or wrongs? Maybe there are, maybe there aren't. However, I am not qualified enough to define any guideline on how the society should function. I have not contributed significantly (or otherwise) to this 'society' and therefore I have no right to comment!!!!!

All I can have are opinions ... and I can't impose them on anyone else (and it's not too much to ask if I expect the same from others). If I feel that something is “wrong”, that is my opinion, and I will not do it... but that does not mean that I will judge someone for what he/she does. Likewise, there are certain things that I don't mind doing, for I do not perceive them as “wrong”. And I am OK to everything that anyone wishes to do. If what (s)he does affects me, I sure need an explanation, for I believe there exists one for every action. But I am free to accept or reject it. In either case, no one's life is affected by what I think of him/her, just like mine isn't by what anyone thinks of me.

I guess life is easier if I just live by the below mentioned 2 lines:
“Those who matter, don't mind
Those who mind, don't matter”