Quantifying the craziness…

Picking up the tag from Rayshma, I sit down to perform one of the very few things that I find difficult to do – list down my insanity.

The difficulty is attributed to 3 main reasons:

1. I like to believe I am perfect, and so there isn’t anything that I don’t love about me, including the insanity
2. My arrogance makes it difficult to accept my madness on a public forum
3. Ray asked me to limit it to ONLY 5, which is a mammoth task – includes a lot of thinking and organizing and reorganizing the list (anybody who knows me will vouch for it)

But, I am told that if someone tags you, it’s rude NOT to pick it up, so here I am. The quirkiness below follows no ranking; it is purely listed in the order of realization and I have tried to touch a different trait with each one...

1. It is eerie how Rayshma and I are SO similar – ref to the ‘meow’ and 'clawing' and ‘coriander’ reference on her post. Never seen so much similarity between two very different individuals. Almost ALL the restaurants that I frequent will not put coriander in my food, by default; and my ‘meow’ depends on (and also shows) the mood I am in… the ‘meow’ can range from purring to roaring, accompanied by clawing!!

2. I am 29 years of age, and yet whenever I am in a hypermarket or store, I spent maximum time in the stationary section. I just LOVE to be surrounded by pens, erasers, notebooks, pencils, crayons, post-its and what have you. I still use a pencil at work, and that too, the one painted with Disney characters.. Shhhhhhhh….. and I am VERY possessive about it (Thanks to Suruchi, she gifted it to me)

3. If I am hitching a ride with someone, I will NEVER put my laptop in the rear seat of the car – I will cling to it, even if I am sitting in front. Opening the rear door, dumping your laptop bag, and then sitting in the front seat, is a VERY personal gesture to me, and reserved to a very few cars (and car-walas)

4. This is my 4th job in 6 years. And unlike ALL others whom I have known, I NEVER find a new job and then quit. I always quit and then find a new job.

5. I can’t keep my eyes open in a moving vehicle IF I am not driving it; I ALWAYS fall asleep as if I was drugged. I don’t know what this is called – a distorted version of motion sickness – maybe. But when I am driving, I can go on without a break (and without blinking) for as long as 10 hours. I don't know how to explain this. Needless to say, I love driving, but my husband is paranoid of my so-called-motion-sickness.

I can go on and on and on, but since Ray (and many others) wanted me to limit myself to ONLY 5, I shall sign off!!!!

Baby Talk

Time: 8:15 in the morning
Mood: morning panick, again-late-for-office mood
Background: Radio is on, the song playing - "Suraj hai tu, mera chanda hai tu, haan meri aankho ka taara hia tu"
VS is busy shaving and complaining as to how men have a tough life, having to shave EVERYDAY (this is probably the only thing that I think he should do more often, and he wishes he could do it once a week.)

I am filling up warm water in the bucket to go in for a bath.
Suddenly I say - "I want a baby"
VS almost cut himself with the razor at this unexpected shock.

"Why?" he asks.

MJ: So that I can sing him this song, when u ditch me. (The song under consideration is the "suraj hai tu...")
VS: What? U want a baby so that u can sing to him?
MJ: (with a straight face) Yes, I will sing this song to him after you ditch me.
VS: But why will I ditch you?
MJ: YOU have to answer that!!!!
VS: But why do u think I will ditch you?
MJ: I just know you will.
VS: I have nothing to say to you..
MJ: See, now you don't even want to talk to me. That's why I believe you will ditch me.
VS: Whatever.... I don't want to talk about it.
MJ: So get me a baby, then I won't bother you.
VS: I Can't ruin some baby's life, just because you want to sing to him.
MJ: (Puppy face) You don't get me anything that I ask for..
VS: (The puppy face is working) Baby, what I am saying is that THIS isn't a good enough reason to have a baby.
MJ: (Eyes rolling) There is another reason as well....
VS: Which is???
MJ: When I hug you, you feel claustrophobic, he won't have an option!!!! I can hug him as much as I want.
VS: (Hugging me) I have my baby to take care of... you worry about yours.

By this time we are already late for office, so the conversation ends abrupty and both of us rush off, blaming each other for the delay!!!!

I m loving it...

18th Sep:
- Running with my luggage to the airport to catch a midnight flight. (I have always hated these odd hour flights, but somehow I always end up with those - its the cost I guess)

- I usually travel very lite and carry just one cabin bag. This time, due to the odd hours, and the transit time, the lazy me decides to check in my one-n-only bag, carrying nothing but just a laptop with me.

19th Sep:
- Land at Dubai airport at 3.00 AM (yeah!! you heard it rite, 3 in the morning). Mentally preparing myself for a 10 hour long layover time at the airport. (Again, its the cost I assume).

- Trying to catch up on some sleep, bundling up on a cramped chair. Sprain my neck in the effort.

- at 8.00 am, I decide to buy some booze for myself. For the 1st time I spend $70 on booze (OK, OK ... not for the 1st time) and also buy some chocolates.

- At around 9.00 AM, Maalik decides that I should take a halt at Dubai, and hence I am "requested" to take a transit visa and get out at Dubai.

- From 9.00 am to 12.30 pm, I am running around the entire airport shuttling between arrivals and departure, trying to get myself a Transit visa and get my bag off-loaded from the Mumbai flight. For the 1st time (and maybe the last), I thanked God for the crappy size of Mumbai airport.

- At around 12.30 pm, my booze and chocolates are confiscated at the security counter. I still don't know why!!!!! My best guess - I was stepping out of the security counter, and the duty free is meant for departure. (OK I know this reason sucks, but I haven't a clue)

- Emirates tells me that my bag will take 3 hours to come out. I decide to go to the office and make use of the time.

- 9.00 PM and I am still without my bag, wearing the same clothes for the past 30 + hours. Emirates says I will get my bag in the morning

- 9.30 PM, I go to shop for something to wear the next day. And I have to buy every single piece of clothing for the next day. EVERY, if you know what I mean.

20th Sep:
- I call up Emirates every 2 hours to check on the status of my bag.

- 7.00 PM, Emirates said, I may get my bag tomorrow. If not, I have to report it missing, which means they will take their own sweet time finding it.

- 7.30 pm, I am still in office planning to go shopping for something to wear the next day.

The comments I received from people
- AAH says "sorry" (which is sweet of him given that it's not his fault - he only does what Maalik wants him to do - and there's nothing he can do about it)
- Maalik thinks I got a reason to shop for new clothes, and I should be happy.
- VS thinks I am an arse that I agreed to Maalik's idea in the 1st place. And that he has no sympathy for me coz its my fault. He also refuses to pay for ANY of my shopping.
- SR thinks I am an absolute idiot coz I agree to anything and everything. But SR also offers to send me money, which is very nice of him. He also calls up twice a day to check up on how I am coping up. Thanks for being there, dude .

I am absolutely clueless, helpless, with limited amount of resources to keep buying clothes, tired, angry, frustrated, annoyed, in a could-kill-anyone mood, pissed-with-myself ....

I M loving every single moment of this.....

The analysis continues

This gentleman called RD – I place him in category 3. (and I make sure that I let him know). He does not seem to pick up subtle hints, so I have the below to say to him.

This post is a draft of email which will go out to him very soon.
The only reason this is here and not on its way to him as yet, is coz I am waiting for the “right” time and of course, still improvising it, so that the message is EXTREMELY clear.

Dear RD,
It pains me to add ‘dear’ to your name, but I have to, coz unlike you, I actually have some corporate communication etiquettes.

Below are a few of my observations. You may want to work on them (or maybe not, I couldn’t care less – either ways I have no respect for you).

1. You don’t know how to write corporate emails, nor do you have the brains to learn.

2. Multiple ‘requests’ made to you to add PLEASE in your email, have been in vain.

3. Your mails are more like “1st prize winner in an essay writing competition”,

4. You have a knack for digging out 1 year old emails, which run into 4 pages, and pointing out something which was written on line no 214 of your email.

5. You believe that the CEO and COO of the organization are your “best” buddies coz they happened to pat you on your back some god forsaken time.

6. You also believe that the COO has no other work to do, but to read your ‘essays’ and its his prime duty attend to you within the next 4 hours.

7. You strongly feel that copying the CEO on ALL your mails makes you important in the organization.

8. Your limited vocabulary does not let you differentiate between “support” and “subordination”.

9. I admire your confidence when you believe that you have added quantifiable value to the entire system, and it’s not your problem that the quantum stands at ZERO.

10. You have so brilliantly managed to leave an impact on my entire team – ONE email from you, and they are unable to concentrate on work for the next 30 minutes!!!!!! That’s some achievement!

11. EVERY team member assigned to you, requests to shift to some other team – within 2 months of working with you!!

12. I just love your responses, when you say – “I don’t have the time to do that kind of thing”. And BTW may I remind you that “that-kind-of-thing” is exactly what your job is?

I wish you all the luck that you may have, for your future (coz you really need lady luck on your side - you haven’t anything else with you).