Adios.....

I am abandoning this space... well, abandoning may not be the right word, deserting.. or closing.. or shutting down.. or whatever is the word that is used for blogs... the fact remains.. this is the last post... I do not wish to write any more, I do not wish to talk any more, I do not wish to opine anymore.

The reason this space came into existance was, coz I wanted to voice my opinions, express my thoughts, share me feelings.. with no one in particular.. maybe with myself. The space was an attempt at me-time.

What this space turned out to be in due course is people reading what I write, interpreting it in ways they would like, and judging me. I could possibly stand up and say, like I always do, that I care a F&^k about people's judgements, but this time I won't, coz I do.

Expressing yourself is not such a good idea after all. Expressing yourself to someone who doesn't really care, is absolutely fatal.

So here are my goodbyes... and many thanks for the patience and tolerance that you have shown towards me in all these years. I would like you to know that I really appreciate.

I don't know when I will see you again, I don't even know IF I will ever see you again.

Blood is thicker than water...

.. And I believe in it like never before.
Some things never change, and some things do.

But life goes on.. Or maybe it doesn't... Who cares anymore!

What’s the difference?

A father and daughter were crossing a bridge.
The father said, “Hold my hand, the water is dangerous”.
The daughter replied, “No dad, you hold my hand”
“What’s the difference?” Dad wanted to know.
The daughter said, “If I hold your hand, and something happens I might let go coz I am scared. But I know for sure that you won’t let go of my hand, whatever may come”


Well, there isn’t much difference in who holds the hand, but there is a helluva lot of difference!!

First thoughts!

I got tagged by Suruchi.. so I shall do this, and try to be as honest as I can.

As per the tag,you have to write the first thing that comes to your mind when you read first two words!

I AM: a Bitch
I WANT: Everything
I HAVE: Nothing
I WISH: To be alone at times
I HATE: Being tied down
I FEAR: Losing
I SEARCH: Peace
I WONDER: Main aisi kyu hun?
I REGRET: Nothing
I LOVE: Myself
I ALWAYS: Eat, drink and be merry
I AM NOT: Nice
I DANCE: Often
I SING: More often
I CRY: Rarely
I WRITE: to vent
I WON: No, I lost
I AM CONFUSED: Yes I am
I NEED: Peace and clarity
I SHOULD: lose some weight
THE LAST THOUGHT I GO TO SLEEP WITH IS: Hopefully tomorrow will be different!

Women on Top!

No, this post isn't about the "women on top" position.....

This is about the "women on top positions"... actually on why most women don't make it to the top positions in their career!!!

1. When the guy gets promoted, he is promised gifts back home (as a token of appreciation and happiness). When a woman gets promoted, she is asked, "So more work, huh? (lesser time at home)!

2. When a guy is globe trotting, it is a matter of pride for the family. When a woman is globe trotting, she isn't paying much attention at home, and has her priorities messed up!

3. When a guys gets a raise, it's celebration time. When a woman gets a raise, it just means she is money-minded!

4. A guy never has to worry about calling the maid during office hours, to find a replacement when the maid is on a vacation!

5. A guy almost never has to tell his boss, that he can't attend the evening meeting coz the maid hasn't come in to cook today!

6. When a guy comes in late to office cos he had to take his family somewhere, people think, "how cute, he is a true family man". When a womam comes in late, it's, "Oh again? All well?"

7. You never have anyone asking a guy, "Why do you have to work, when your spouse earns enough?"

8. You don't have 10,000 people telling a guy how his family should always be a priority!

9. When you tell a guy "Man, you are lucky to have a wife who accomodates your hectic work life", it is supposed to be appreciative. When you tell a woman, how lucky she is to have a husband who accomodates, it is meant to be derogatory (almost always implying that the woman should work on setting it straight!)

10. A man can carry the work tensions home, coz after all behind every successful man, there's a woman. When a woman carries work tensions home, she is upsetting the home environment! Am yet to hear about a man behind the successful woman!

Man or woman?

The title is a question I have on my mind lately. It is also a question that many have asked me at different occasions and times. I hadn’t given much thought to it, but now I guess it’s high time.

I clearly remember being a tom boy when I was a kid; it didn’t seem to be so bad after all – not until now. Mom was worried about it, but Dad never cared. He always told me – Tu to Sher ka baccha hai!!! (Back then I missed to notice the use of bachha instead of bacchi). I would beat up boys and return home victorious, only to be beaten up by Mom. The beating was most often followed by an argument between my parents which always ended with Mom’s tear filled kya hoga iska, ye aisi kyu hai? and Dad’s arrogant kyuki wo meri beti hai!

When I went to college, I knew I wasn’t like the other girls. Not that I didn’t want to be; but probably I just didn’t care about it then. While others were given titles like “Rose Queen” and “Miss Adaa”, the boys bestowed the “Coveted Cat Crown” on me for 4 years in a row!!! Needless to say, there were only a rare few who had the balls to come up to me to talk and most of them never returned. So in short, I never had guys running after me like other girls did.

At my 1st job 7 years ago, my boss happened to say that he needed more men like me in the team. I thought of it as a compliment back then. But thinking about it now – more men like me???? Excuse me???!!!!

I didn’t think much about all this, until recently. The last 4 months have been funny. I have had subtle comments like “Shut up man” to more direct ones “you think you are a girl, huh?”
The last nail in the coffin was when I had to ask someone out for dinner (this is the same someone whom I have asked for dinner earlier and he has refused; ref Expert comments, please). I asked him, “The lady wishes to take you out for dinner, if your schedule permits” and he turned around with a grin, “Lady, huh? Where is the lady?”

I wasn’t yet over this shock, when my (current) boss told me, “You are one of the few men I have in the team!” And then there are those occasional – No actually its frequent – we don’t count you in the girls’ clan!

Now, I am thinking (seriously thinking) if something is genuinely wrong somewhere!! What is it that makes me a man? And is this supposed to be derogatory? Given that it has always been men who think I was a man, does this mean that they relate to me as one of their own; or does this mean that when they look at me, they don’t get the “nice” feeling, that they usually get when they look at a woman!.

I mean I KNOW for sure that I DON’T LOOK LIKE A MAN! Maybe I behave like one *rolling eyes*
But then how do men behave? hmm.. ok.. they letch at women... Do I letch at women? No I am certain that I don’t. Then what is it that I do, that makes me a man?
Ok, I accept that I eat people alive, but not all men that I know do that. Does that make them a woman? If not, then, why me?

HELP!!!!!

I am back!

Like I had promised.. I am back...

It feels nice to be back in the good old, oh-so-crowded, the-traffic-sucks Mumbai!! This is the place to be.

It feels nice to see the smile the flashes across faces, when you walk into the office after a 2 month break!

It feels nice when people say, Oh shit she is back!

It feels nice to scream at your cook, coz she put dhaniya in the food (damn her, I have been away less than 2 months, and she already forgot my food preferences!!)

It feels lovely to be able to stand on a road side thela and have gol gappas

It feels nice to be back with a difference and a different person. To know that you have a life.. and you can actually live it. To realize that the you in you is still alive somewhere!

It feels nice to be back and in control!!!!!

I need a life...

It's 2 in the morning, and I am still sitting on my computer!

Itni raat mein kaun jaagta hai..

Aashiq, Beemar, Chaukidar, aur Dr Mo (Actually I doubt if he ever sleeps, he is forever working, and if I send him an email rite now - provided that it's interesting enuf to get his attendtion - he will reply in 5 mins flat)

but I am neither... why am I awake at such a freaky hour... ???? *rolling eyes*

I need to get some sleep...
and I need to get a life!!!!!

Struggling to be back...

I have been missing in action for quite some time.. been away .. and been busy & confused..

life has been posing challenging questions and giving me enough me-time. And me-time is always scary...
I am sure I have said this before, I find it hardest to have a conversation with myself. There are a 1000 questions I ask myself and I cannot answer them, and it drives me mad. It is easier to answer you when you ask, coz you know its you I am justifying.. but when I have to answer myself, I really can't! Not sure how many of us can!

There is a choice I have to make. Been avoiding it for quite some time now. But don't have enough time left on hand. Haven't been given many options, this time!

So I am avoiding the me-time.. running away from myself... and struggling to be back..
I promise, like always, I WILL BE BACK. ... and in style, as usual!!!!!!

Shit Happens...

Read it on someone's T-shirt yesterday, and it struck - BOOM!

Yeah, shit happens.. a lot of shit happens a lot of times ... that's what life is all about.
All this crap makes life interesting, not necessarily worth living all the time... but still interesting & spicy.

So fuck it woman... let the shit happen, enjoy and move on!!!! (OK OK I am talking to myself, and have people staring at me now!!)
What say, gals?

Betrayal....

It is like the Chinese Whispers game.

A said that B said that C told him that D was "this".

Interesting game - except that the "this" D happens to be you, after you have slogged your arse out for something you thought was your own. And you have given in your best, at the cost of your health and life. And this is what they think of you??

The feeling right now -
completely mindfucked, totally let down, feeling like an arsehole for having believed that I was doing the right thing!

But then, for being the dick head I have been with my priorities, maybe this is what I deserved!

Who is to be blamed -
- C for having said that about D (which D went a step ahead and verified from various sources);
- or A for having told D in the 1st place and mind fucking D;
- or D for making such a fool of herself!

Expert comments, please

There is this someone I am particularly fond of.. I genuinely like him.. (Now now, don't get ideas... that's got nothing to do with THAT kind of liking).. I like this person for the honesty in his personality... he is SO himself. I like the way he talks (again, he isn't like those "big picture" charismatic people that I usually like)

I don't meet him often.. don't get a chance to.. but I like to believe that we are on decent terms. And some ages ago we had agreed that we gotta go out for dinner (he owes me one).

Now the problem is... everytime I ask him to join me when I am going for dinner (which is once every few months) he has some excuse. This happened for the 4th time now. I even asked him if he had a problem going out with me!!!!!!! And he said, "Nautanki mat kar"

Every time he has a new excuse, and it sounds absolutely genuine to me.. but still... don't you think it's too much of a coincidence to be true.. no?

I have some theories:

1. He isn't fond of me .. but then, given his honesty, I would believe that he will tell me that!!
2. It's a genuine coincidence..
3. I intimidate him... (nah!!!.. I am sweet)
4. He is too polite to refuse.. (nah, he isn't THAT sophisticated!!)

I dunno....
Expert comments, please!

Who's the Whore?

We have a new addition in our cult – no, I am NOT pregnant.

By cult, I mean the yellow cult. All members of this cult agree emphatically that this is not a place for the common man. This is a place meant for a few who can survive. The common thread is the eccentricity. If you are sane, sorry dude, hard luck ahead! Sorry, that’s not the story, I am digressing.

So the gentleman, who is the main character here, has been with us for almost 2 months now. He truly believes that he knows it all, and what we do is irrelevant and inefficient.
This is I will change the world attitude, as I call it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like people with “I can change the world” attitude, but then I also like people with substance. I am digressing again. Damn! That's what happens when you talk too much!

No – I don’t dislike this man for the lack of substance. He has some of that. I dislike him for the title above, and the story below.

We were all standing and doing some chit chat (coffee time), when this gentleman says out of the blue – “she’s a whore”. I was like – excuse me. So he repeats – “yeah yeah she is whore. She would sleep with anyone”. Now this gentleman isn't a bum chum, not a "good fren", not even a friend for that matter, so it was shocking that he thought he could talk to me like that!!!

I was about to ask him how exactly was that any of his business, but decided against it, given that he is a senior colleague. (I know I know, it is verrrry unlike me.. but I am trying to break away from the bitchy image, you see).

Now the woman in the conversation is not someone I am fond of. She is under the “insignificant” types in my categorization. But this comment, I REALLY didn’t like. Not that I was very fond of this gentleman anyways, but THIS…..... this is clearly something which dropped him to the "write off" listing in my classification of human beings.

I mean, come on… we all sleep with someone (some more than the others). We sleep with people for different reasons. If we sleep for love, chances are that we will continue sleeping with the same person all our lives. Or atleast the plural is serial in order, and not parallel, given that it is absolutely human to fall out of love, and in love with someone else.

Some sleep for money…
Some for publicity…
Some for fame…
Some for thrill…
Some out of lust…
Some for lifestyle…
And some for reasons best known to them.

But is that any of your business, dude? She doesn’t even care about what you think and what you have to say. Infact she doesn't even know that you exist. And here you are, racking your brains on who she is sleeping with? Gimme a break!!! Maybe you are thinking you might get lucky! Or whatever… like I care!


So who’s the whore here?

kill me please....

I have just stepped out of a 3.5 hour long meeting with a man I was ready to strangle by the end of it. I can't name him nor his company for professional reasons, but the fact that I m writing this post in the train on my way home should tell you about my plight.

This man is the son of the owner of the company in question and I am convinced that the company needs serious help if this man is to inherit the biz. I pity the dad who has slogged his arse out to build a brand which his son is bound to kill by the sheer virtue of being a Dick head. And this company IS a famous brand, I must painfully admit.

This man is the MOST clueless human being I have seen. He doesn't know what he is thinking and there is a 10 mile distance between his skull and mouth, where the thoughts tend to get lost on their way. Got to say skull, coz can't say brains ... He hasn't any of that!

He has no chain of thoughts and I can bet that he is a dopey. He is a perfect example of how u become when you have been doping since you were in the womb... Your brain doesn't develop at all.

I timed him in the meeting and there was a 17 min stretch where all he said was .. Ahem.. I mean.. U know.. Actually.. What I am saying is.. Pregnant pause.. Without actually saying what he wanted to say!! And then the inevitable "what was I saying" and my acidic response "I don't know, I couldn't figure out"...

No I don't hate him. I pity him. And his parents. Imagine how they would feel to see him everyday and think that they actually produced him!!!

Blogger skins

I have been seeing a lot of blog skin changes on the ones that I visit regularly. I have been tempted all along with these sexy looking skins, and so today I decided to change mine as well (NO, not MY skin, my blog's I mean)

I am a blogging illiterate, so I went and searched on how to change blogger skin. Luckily I found this site
http://freeskins.blogspot.com/

OK, that's not funny.. I really did search for this and then realized like an idiot, that this link is available on the blogs which have new skins :S

Anyway, so I clicked on the link and stared at awe at all the lovely designs. It took me a while to chose the one which I liked. After this difficult task was done, there was a mammoth task ahead - changing the skin. I told u, I am a blogging illiterate.
I read all directions, and do's and dont's and finally managed to download the code for my new skin.

But as you will notice, my blog looks just the same - I haven't changed it.
That's coz I couldn't get myself to change the way my blog looks. It felt to me exactly like ditching VS for someone more handsome!

I love my blog the way it is - however plain and simple (it may even be called boring). But this plain and simple (and boring) blog has given me company in my good and bad times, AND in my worst times. It has never probed about what's wrong, it has patiently waited for me to come back to it and pour my heart out. It has been my confidante and friend; it has seen the change in me from good to bad to worse and never judged me. I cannot change anything about it. I love it just the way it is.

I will not say that I will never change anything about this blog... who knows ... but today I won't.

My new buddy

adopt your own virtual pet!

Life.. Then.. and Now....

Then...
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Waking up in the morning, not knowing how the day was.. lazing around .. being in college but not being there.. bunking lectures...logging into your email looking forward to mails from frens... boyfriend(s)... who was (were) dying to spend every minute with you...crazy tantrums.... unreasonable demands... being pampered to no limits.. acting stubborn.. getting whatever you wanted...planning for valentines... loving every day of your life..

Now...
------------------------------

Waking up in the morning and knowing how crappy the day is gonna be... being in office and not being able to think of anything else... compulsion to go to office everyday (unless you are dead or almost there)... logging in your inbox to find stinkers; a normal non-stinker mail actually brings a smile to your face now... husband (the then boyfren) says nothing about wanting to spend time with you, maybe he has given up long long ago... tantrums lost coz no one around to pay attention... unreasonable demands, but from the other side of the table... pampered, huh what's that?... not getting anything that you want, peace being foremost.. spending the valentines either traveling or meeting clients... wondering if you have any life left!!!

Finally....

The trip blog is completed.

The learning from this exercise (the writing, NOT the trip) being:

On my next trip:

1. I will either carry my laptop so that daily account can be written the same day (given that we go for biking trips, this is not practical)

2. OR use a cyber cafe every night (this is even less practical)

3. Take 2 days off after the trip - just to complete the blog (Now, this can be done)

4. If I can't do any of the above, I shall NOT write about the trip AT ALL (now you are talking!!)

Adventures of Venom - 13!!

Day 13 - 24th November 2007
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The day began lazy and relaxed (for me, VS was already dressed to leave by the time I was brushing my teeth). Had breakfast, while VS was busy drooling over my cousin's bike - it's a 1978 bullet completely restored. VS spent a generous 30 minutes talking about the bike and the whats and wheres and hows of it.

We left around 10:30 AM, saying our good byes and promising to call as soon as we reached and the regular stuff. The journey was regular and boring. The trip was almost over and we were heading back to Mumbai now – home sweet home.

We stopped by at a road side dhaba for lunch, and then later for some tea / coffee. I have no snaps left of this day expect one or two – But I am sure nothing mentionable happened. I remember feeding 2 puppies at the dhaba where we stopped by for coffee, and the dhaba owner giving me dirty looks. I assumed he was annoyed coz I was feeding dogs in his joint. But then suddenly, he decided that he had had enough, and blew a whistle - both the dogs went running to him, and he told them to sit quietly, which they obeyed!!! OK. The dogs were his, and he was annoyed at me for feeding them junk!!! ooopppss.. what an embarrasment!

We decided to click on last snap - to mark the near end of our journey. We reached mumbai at around 7:00 PM, but to get to our home took us another 2 hours - so much for the traffic jams!!!! We were dead tired when we reached home. We were supposed to attend a wedding reception at a dear friend's place, which I called and cancelled given our conditions. My fren decided to hang up on me, which left me with no choice but to get dressed and leave for the reception. When we reached there, it was clear that itas a good decision to come!!!! We danced our hearts out (it was a punju wedding after all!!).

The day ended at 2:00 AM - the evening made up for the lack of action during the day!!!
------------------------------
Day 13 ends, trip ends. Total kms done - 3560.

Adventures of Venom - 12!!

Day 12 – 23rd November 2007
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Udaipur is a beautiful city and I really intended to see it. So today we decided that we will take one of those Rajasthan Tourism city tours and not venture out by ourselves.
We had to report at the meeting point by 830 AM, which meant that I had to get up at 7:00 AM (arrggh!). We left the luggage at the cloak room, since we had checked out of the hotel and intended to push off for Baroda by evening.

We reached the meeting point at 8:25 only to realize that no one is there. Well, we utilized the time by grabbing something to eat. The bus finally came at 9:00 and we took off immediately - we being the youngest couple in the bus!!!
The first stop was the “Lok Kala” museum, where different cultures were being depicted. The highlight of this place was the puppet show (we realized much later that we lost all photographs coz memory card was corrupted). There were masks from different places, which made me wonder what they stood for. For example the board under one specific mask read - MAN (Chandigarh), so I was like "men from chandigarh are like THAT????"
Anyways, overall it was a good place to visit.


The next stop was Rana Pratap garden. This garden is made near an old tattered fort, which Maharana Pratap's father had built to stay for one year. Wow man! They spent 2 years building forts JUST to stay for one year? Isn't that cool! The fort is in a bad shape, I would guess due to lack of any maintainance. Well, wouldn't it be nicer to maintain the fort than developing a garden!!! There is a lot of history behind this place, and it's best to go with a guide. If you don't you might feel that you are visiting a regular garden. Unless someone tells you the significance of each place (and each tree), you wouldn't appreciate this place.


We then visited the Udaipur Fort (sorry for forgetting the exact name). No snaps of this place as the memory card was corrupted and there was no point in carrying the camera. This is a private fort (another one!!!), and there were pereparations on for someone's wedding! This is where Ravina Tondon got married and you could actually book this place for your wedding at a modest price of 2 crores (yeah right!!).

We also saw an old temple, carved in marble. This is a temple built in 800 AD ,and is not in best of its shape. No snaps again!

The last stop was Saheliyo ki badi, which is a garden built for the queen to visit with her friends (hence the name). Some interesting snaps here, most of which were lost. We purchased a pair of camels made in leather from here, and also some Rajasthani style paintings.
We did some shopping from the Handicraft store opposite this place - a sari from mom and mom-in-law, hand painting for bro and myself!

Time to go back to the hotel and pack if we want to reach Vadodara before it's dark! So we pushed off at around 2:00 PM. I wanted to have daal-baati one last time before I exit Rajasthan and enter Gujarat. So we skipped lunch, had some snacks. The highway was smooth and beautiful. There is an expressway to Baroda, on which bikes are not allowed (of course). We knew that bikes won't be allowed on the expressway, but we just didn't know which route was NOT the express way. So we made the stupid mistake of entering the express. As was expected, a security gaurd came running and stopped us. He screamed at us, and I put him in place at once - "Tamiz se baat karo". This ofcourse annoyed him (I tend to annoy almost everyone I speak with!). He wanted us to pay a fine of 500 bucks, we ofcourse told him to fuck off. Since there were no signs nor any board mentioning that bikes are not allowed, we were adamant that we wouldn't pay. Finally we got off for 50 bucks - with him screaming in the background (who cares)!
The rest of the trip was pretty boring, expect that I ate VS's brains out for not stopping for Daal-bati. Guess it wasn't meant to be.

We were stopping over at my cousin's place in Baroda, so no tension of booking a hotel. We reached her place at around 9:00PM. She stays with her in-laws so I couldn't remove my jacket even after I reached her place (worried that I might offend her in-laws with my strap top under the jacket!!!) Her husband is a very sweet man, and her son sweeter. We chit chatted till 1:00 AM, we were of course verrry sleepy, but the son wanted to play cricket (he is just 3 yrs old). And he (the son) wouldn't talk to me coz I don't speak Gujarati, he would talk only to VS!! Yeah right, talk about a punjabi talking in gujarati!!!! But VS did a good job and actually impresed me. Now this is strange, coz I am a Maharashtrian (and so is my cousin and her husband, but their son speaks Gujarati!!)

We finally went off to sleep at around 1:30 AM and we slept like logs.

----------------------------------------------------

Day 12 ends.